splitbeak: (George: Kidding Me?)
I've had virtually no time to post anything this semester............. so there's a lot of them!

The Santa Society's Rude Awakening Prize

When Shirley Temple was a child movie star, she was the most adored kid in America. Years later, she explained how a star can be too admired for their own good. "I stopped believing in Santa Claus at an early age," she said. "Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked me for my autograph."


It was a long flight on an economy airline, so the businessman was happy when the flight attendant asked if he'd like dinner. "Great," he said, "what are my choices?" "Yes or no," she replied.

They Never Saw It Coming

There are floods and there are suds, but very few floods of suds. Then in 1814, nine people in London drowned in beer when a brewery spilled 3500 barrels, flooding nearby houses with suds.

Ask a Dumb Question

When is a queen a king? You'd be surprised. After King Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden died in 1632, his daughter Christina took the throne. But she was not crowned queen. According to Swedish custom, only a king's wife was called a queen. So Christina was crowned King Christina.

Original Thinking

Writer A. Whitney Brown: "I became a vegetarian not so much because I love animals but because I hate plants."

Popped Culture

Three non-political candidates who couldn't have been any worse than the politicians they ran against:
1) Comedian Gracie Allen, of Burns and Allen fame, ran for president in 1940 as the candidate from the Surprise Party.
2) Folksinger U. Utah Phillips ran for president on the Sloth and Indolence ticket.
3) TV comic Pat Paulsen ran for president in 1968 from the Straight Talking American Government Party. His campaign promise: "I know what the average American wants. In fact, I'd like to get a little of it myself."

Ask a Dumb Question

If you're worried about the negative effects of pollution on out environmnet, look at it with a clear eye- like the California resident who was asked by a reporter whether Lake Tahoe was still polluted. "No pollution," the proud resident said. "It's so clear you can see a beer can forty feet down."

Words of Wisdumb

You know that famous saying: people who do not learn from the past are condemned to repeat it? It's even worse for people who *do* learn from the past. They're condemned to be driven nuts by having to live in the same world with the idiots who refuse to learn from the past.

Cut here to spare the few people on my friends list. Plenty more snippets within. )
splitbeak: (clerks)
Dumb Moments in the Lives of Famous People:
When the great French playwright Moliere died, the archbishop of Paris refused permission for him to be buried in consecrated ground. Moliere's sin? He never repented being an actor. King Louis XIV of France was a fan of Moliere's plays and determined to pay his respects. So the king ordered the gravediggers to get around the bishop's decision vertically. They dug Moliere's grave twelve feet deep, four feet below the bishop's consecrated ground.

Popped Culture:
The artist Maurice Utrillo was frequently arrested by the French police for being drunk in public. But Utrillo found a way to turn his problem to his advantage. He arranged with the Parisian gendarmes to keep paints, canvas, and brushes in the city jail so he could paint whenever he got locked away for the night.

Outsmarting the Opposition:
If you want to get out of jury duty, take a John Grisham novel with you to court. Lawyers don't want jurors who think they're smarter than the attorneys trying the case. That's what the judge is for. If you ever find yourself in front of the jury, throw yourself on the mercy of the court. Remember, these people who will decide your fate are the ones not smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Strange Customs (besides Juggling Geese):
For a thousand years, Scotland had a crazy method of treating madness. If someone was thought to be insane, he was dunked in the pool at Strathfillan, then tied up in ropes and left overnight in the St. Fillian Chapel. If the soaked captive freed himself by morning, he was considered cured of his madness. This dubious medical practice was discontinued in the nineteenth century when more enlightened doctors switched to electric shock treatments to bring the insane to their senses.

They Said It:
Cartoonist Doug Larson: "The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others."

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me," standup comic Rodney Dangerfield said. "He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet."

The Odd People:
"Some people believe that it's a good idea to face your fears," comic Ellen DeGeneres said. "I usually feel that it's much healthier to tie them up in a bag, drive them out of the country, chuck them out your window, then drive home as fast as you can."

Ask A Dumb Question:
When English prime minister Winston Churchill drew a large audience for one of his speeches, a friend asked, "You must be very pleased to be so popular?" "It's quite flattering," Churchill admitted. "But if instead of making a speech, I was to be hanged, the crowd would be twice as large." (I guess it depends on what country he was in.)

It was only Tom's second day on the job, but he showed up an hour late. "You should have been here at nine," the manager said. "Why?" Tom asked. "What happened then?" (Sadly, this is often the attitude of both the admin. and employees at my job.)

Ask A Dumb Question:
When playwright George S. Kaufman arrived at a Broadway theater for a rehersal of his new show, a stagehand stopped him at the door and asked if he was with the play. "Let's put it this way," Kaufman replied, "I'm not against it."

Clear Thinking on a Cloudy Day:
Words you can live by from writer Mark Twain: "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

If President of the United States is such an important job, why aren't there any job qualifications? No intelligence test, obviously. No demonstration of required skills. No psychological profile. Lawyers have to pass bar exams. Doctors must get a license. Secretaries have to take typing tests. Presidents? Nothing. Any American, rich or poor, can become president-- as long as he's got $200 million for the ad campaign.

Just once I'd like to see an Oscar winner step up to the podium and say, "I'd like to thank all the little people without whom I wouldn't have known how big I really am."

They Said It:
"They should consider giving Oscars for meetings," screenwriter William Goldman said about Hollywood movie studios. "Best Meeting of the Year, Best Supporting Meeting, Best Meeting Based on Material from Another Meeting."

The Business of Stupidity:
The district manager stopped off at the sales office and asked the supervisor, "Exactly how many people work in this office?" The supervisor looked around the room and said, "Almost half of them."

Dumb Ways to Die:
Turkish wrestling champion Yousouf Ishmaelo made a lot of money on an American tour in 1987. Suspicious of paper money, he turned his winnings into gold, which he wore in a belt when he booked passage on a ship back home. When his ship was rammed by another ship and started to sink, Ishmaelo jumped overboard. Swimming for his life, he refused to take off the gold belt, and the weight pulled him under.
splitbeak: (House)
Since I seem to be on such a proud New Yorker kick, here's one more. Then I'm done for the night. I promise.

Boss of the Year
The Hmmm, That Actually Might Work Trophy
(for good management ideas, as rare as they may be)

3rd Place: Not a Single Room

In 2003, the Boston Red Sox and their arch rivals, the New York Yankees, were trying to sign free agent pitcher Jose Contreras. The Sox management rented all the rooms in the hotel in which Contreras was staying so Yankee officials could not get close to him.

Despite the clever strategy, the Red Sox being the Red Sox and the Yanks being the Yankees, the New York team signed him anyway.

splitbeak: (haiku)
Feb. 10:
Dumb Ways to Die

The Greek playwright Aeschylus was struck down by the oddest of freak deaths: killed by a falling turtle.
A tortoise had been plucked from the ground by an eagle and carried high into the sky. The eagle apparently mistook Aeschylus's bald head for a rock and dropped the turtle to smash it open upon the rock that was Aeschylus's cranium.

Feb. 11:
Clear Thinking on a Cloudy Day

Writer Kim Hubbard: "One good think about inflation is that the fellow who forgets his change nowadays doesn't lose half as much as he used to."

splitbeak: (Irish Sea)
Clear Thinking on a Cloudy Day

"I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet," standup comedian Emo Philips said. "I was going to return it, rather than keep it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

splitbeak: (Default)

No Brainer

An angel offers three students a choice of wealth, wisdom, or beauty. The first student takes wealth, saying, "I can hire wise men to advise me, and beautiful women will love me for my money."

The next student chooses beauty, reasoning, "Money follows beauty, as does happiness. If I'm happy and have enough money, I won't care about wisdom."

The third student chooses wisdom and is driven to his knees in a flash of understanding. "Are you all right?" the others ask him.

"Yes," he says, nodding wisely. "But now I know, I should have taken the money."

splitbeak: (Default)
Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

Think no-smoking sections are unfair? In Germany in the seventeenth century, smoking was a crime punishable by death. If the tabacco didn't kill you, the tabacco police would.

splitbeak: (Default)
Jan. 3:
In Hollyweird

Years after the cowboy movie star Gene Autry retired from the big screen, he looked at how Hollywood was changing and commented, "Today you see girls doing on the screen what they used to do off the screen to get on screen."

Jan. 6:
In Hollyweird

Movie mogul Darryl Zanuck, the head of 20th Century Fox, made the mistake of asking the caustic wit Oscar Levant for his opinion of the studio's new film.
"I think the picture stinks," Levant replied.
"Who the hell are you to think the picture stinks?" Zanuck fumed.
Levant replied quite reasonably, "Who the hell do you have to be to think the picture stinks?"

Jan. 7:
Ask A Dumb Question

A woman wrote to Dear Abby asking, "Are birth control pills deductible on my income tax?"
Abby had a simple response: "Only if they don't work."

Jan. 8:
The Business of Stupidity

A reporter asked the famous lawyer Clarence Darrow if hard work was responsible for his success in court.
"I guess so," Darrow answered. "I was raised on a farm. One hot day I was packing down stacks of hay, and by noon I was totally exhausted. The next day, I left the farm, never to return, and I haven't done a day of hard work since."

An Irish Blessing

May the road rise to meet you.

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall soft upon your fields.

And until we meet again, may God hold you in the hollow of his hand.

August 2011



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