splitbeak: (Misc - Happy Meal)
If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
splitbeak: (Default)
Broken Guitar for Sale --
No strings attached!
splitbeak: (Farscape - The Great Escape)
Moving on to IT humor:


How do you set the laser printer to stun?

splitbeak: (STV - Janeway)
For every action,
there is an equal and
opposite criticism.
splitbeak: (Angel - Title Logo)

Monday


-is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life-
splitbeak: (Spaceballs)
At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated (among a number of other things):

"If GM had kept us with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got $1,000 miles to the gallon."


In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash... twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run only on 5% of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.


splitbeak: (Default)
splitbeak: (Here's Some Glue)
For a funny video about buying the wrong gift at Christmas time, Beware the Doghouse.

Oh Yes.

Oct. 3rd, 2008 12:01 am
splitbeak: (Clerks)


splitbeak: (House)
splitbeak: (House)
"Growth in wisdom can be measured precisely by decline in bile." -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Hehehehe.
splitbeak: (George: Kidding Me?)
I've had virtually no time to post anything this semester............. so there's a lot of them!


The Santa Society's Rude Awakening Prize

When Shirley Temple was a child movie star, she was the most adored kid in America. Years later, she explained how a star can be too admired for their own good. "I stopped believing in Santa Claus at an early age," she said. "Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked me for my autograph."


No-Brainer

It was a long flight on an economy airline, so the businessman was happy when the flight attendant asked if he'd like dinner. "Great," he said, "what are my choices?" "Yes or no," she replied.


They Never Saw It Coming

There are floods and there are suds, but very few floods of suds. Then in 1814, nine people in London drowned in beer when a brewery spilled 3500 barrels, flooding nearby houses with suds.


Ask a Dumb Question

When is a queen a king? You'd be surprised. After King Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden died in 1632, his daughter Christina took the throne. But she was not crowned queen. According to Swedish custom, only a king's wife was called a queen. So Christina was crowned King Christina.


Original Thinking

Writer A. Whitney Brown: "I became a vegetarian not so much because I love animals but because I hate plants."


Popped Culture

Three non-political candidates who couldn't have been any worse than the politicians they ran against:
1) Comedian Gracie Allen, of Burns and Allen fame, ran for president in 1940 as the candidate from the Surprise Party.
2) Folksinger U. Utah Phillips ran for president on the Sloth and Indolence ticket.
3) TV comic Pat Paulsen ran for president in 1968 from the Straight Talking American Government Party. His campaign promise: "I know what the average American wants. In fact, I'd like to get a little of it myself."


Ask a Dumb Question

If you're worried about the negative effects of pollution on out environmnet, look at it with a clear eye- like the California resident who was asked by a reporter whether Lake Tahoe was still polluted. "No pollution," the proud resident said. "It's so clear you can see a beer can forty feet down."


Words of Wisdumb

You know that famous saying: people who do not learn from the past are condemned to repeat it? It's even worse for people who *do* learn from the past. They're condemned to be driven nuts by having to live in the same world with the idiots who refuse to learn from the past.

Cut here to spare the few people on my friends list. Plenty more snippets within. )
splitbeak: (Default)
This is from today's Unshelved by Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum



Unshelved is a comic about working in a library that is so true it hurts.

Here are two more of my favorites. They're a little running story that really seems to be summing up my life sometimes.

Part I:


Part II:



splitbeak: (clerks)
Dumb Moments in the Lives of Famous People:
When the great French playwright Moliere died, the archbishop of Paris refused permission for him to be buried in consecrated ground. Moliere's sin? He never repented being an actor. King Louis XIV of France was a fan of Moliere's plays and determined to pay his respects. So the king ordered the gravediggers to get around the bishop's decision vertically. They dug Moliere's grave twelve feet deep, four feet below the bishop's consecrated ground.

Popped Culture:
The artist Maurice Utrillo was frequently arrested by the French police for being drunk in public. But Utrillo found a way to turn his problem to his advantage. He arranged with the Parisian gendarmes to keep paints, canvas, and brushes in the city jail so he could paint whenever he got locked away for the night.

Outsmarting the Opposition:
If you want to get out of jury duty, take a John Grisham novel with you to court. Lawyers don't want jurors who think they're smarter than the attorneys trying the case. That's what the judge is for. If you ever find yourself in front of the jury, throw yourself on the mercy of the court. Remember, these people who will decide your fate are the ones not smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Strange Customs (besides Juggling Geese):
For a thousand years, Scotland had a crazy method of treating madness. If someone was thought to be insane, he was dunked in the pool at Strathfillan, then tied up in ropes and left overnight in the St. Fillian Chapel. If the soaked captive freed himself by morning, he was considered cured of his madness. This dubious medical practice was discontinued in the nineteenth century when more enlightened doctors switched to electric shock treatments to bring the insane to their senses.

They Said It:
Cartoonist Doug Larson: "The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others."

No-Brainer:
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me," standup comic Rodney Dangerfield said. "He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet."

The Odd People:
"Some people believe that it's a good idea to face your fears," comic Ellen DeGeneres said. "I usually feel that it's much healthier to tie them up in a bag, drive them out of the country, chuck them out your window, then drive home as fast as you can."

Ask A Dumb Question:
When English prime minister Winston Churchill drew a large audience for one of his speeches, a friend asked, "You must be very pleased to be so popular?" "It's quite flattering," Churchill admitted. "But if instead of making a speech, I was to be hanged, the crowd would be twice as large." (I guess it depends on what country he was in.)

No-Brainer:
It was only Tom's second day on the job, but he showed up an hour late. "You should have been here at nine," the manager said. "Why?" Tom asked. "What happened then?" (Sadly, this is often the attitude of both the admin. and employees at my job.)

Ask A Dumb Question:
When playwright George S. Kaufman arrived at a Broadway theater for a rehersal of his new show, a stagehand stopped him at the door and asked if he was with the play. "Let's put it this way," Kaufman replied, "I'm not against it."

Clear Thinking on a Cloudy Day:
Words you can live by from writer Mark Twain: "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

No-Brainer:
If President of the United States is such an important job, why aren't there any job qualifications? No intelligence test, obviously. No demonstration of required skills. No psychological profile. Lawyers have to pass bar exams. Doctors must get a license. Secretaries have to take typing tests. Presidents? Nothing. Any American, rich or poor, can become president-- as long as he's got $200 million for the ad campaign.

No-Brainer:
Just once I'd like to see an Oscar winner step up to the podium and say, "I'd like to thank all the little people without whom I wouldn't have known how big I really am."

They Said It:
"They should consider giving Oscars for meetings," screenwriter William Goldman said about Hollywood movie studios. "Best Meeting of the Year, Best Supporting Meeting, Best Meeting Based on Material from Another Meeting."

The Business of Stupidity:
The district manager stopped off at the sales office and asked the supervisor, "Exactly how many people work in this office?" The supervisor looked around the room and said, "Almost half of them."

Dumb Ways to Die:
Turkish wrestling champion Yousouf Ishmaelo made a lot of money on an American tour in 1987. Suspicious of paper money, he turned his winnings into gold, which he wore in a belt when he booked passage on a ship back home. When his ship was rammed by another ship and started to sink, Ishmaelo jumped overboard. Swimming for his life, he refused to take off the gold belt, and the weight pulled him under.
splitbeak: (Irish Sea)
Adagio Formaggio: to play in a slow and cheesy manner.
AnDante: a musical composition that is infernally slow.
Angus Dei: to play with a divine, beefy tone.
A Patella: unaccompanied knee-slapping.
Appologgiatura: a composition, solo, or instrument you regret playing.
Approximatura: a series of notes played by a performer, not intended by the composer.
Approximento: a musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of the correct pitch.
Bar Line: what musicians form after a concert.
Concerto Grossissimo: a really bad performance.
Coral Symphony: (see Beethoven-Caribbean period).
Cornetti Trombosis Disastrous: entanglement of brass instruments that can occur when musicians exit hastily down the stage stairs, usually to the bar line.
Dill Piccolino: a wind instrument that plays only sour notes.
Fermantra: a note that is held over and over and over....
Fermoota: a rest of indefinite length and dubious value.
Fog Hornoso: a sound that is heard when the conductor's intentions are not clear.
Gaul Blatter: a french horn player.
Kvetchendo: gradually getting annoyingly louder.
Mallade: a romantic song that's pretty aweful.
Molto bolto: head straight for the ending.
Opera buffa: musical stage production by nudists.
Spritzicato: plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright, bubbly sound, usually accompanied by sparkling water with lemon (wine optional).
Tempo Tantrumo: when a young band refuses to keep time with the conductor.
Tincanabulation: the annoying or irritating sounds made by extremely cheap bells.
Vesuvioso: a gradual buildup to a fiery conclusion.
splitbeak: (Default)
Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well honey, God is both male and female."
This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses him, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this, his mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,
"Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this Little Johnny's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"


A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with Sidney. He called me a sissy."
"What did you do?" the mother asked.
"I hit him with my purse!"


A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5000 Safe Driver Award. Congratualations. What do you think you're going to do with all that money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that driver's license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him-- he's a smartaleck when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a know from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"


A Red Sox fan, a Braves fan, a Rockies fan, and a Yankees fan were all climbing a mountain one day. They were talking about how loyal they are to their teams all the way up the mountain. When they got to the top, the Rockies fan says, "This is for the Rockies!" and he jumps. Then the Braves fan says, "This is for the Braves!" and he jumps. Now only the Red Sox fan and the Yankees fan are standing on the top of the mountain. The Yankees fan decides that it's his turn, so he says, "This is for the Yankees!" and pushes the Red Sox fan off the mountain.


Are blondes smarter than lawyers? You be the judge.
A blonde and lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks id she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, very tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over toward the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists (as lawyers are wont to do) and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00 and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500.000"
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to the torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and Library of Congress, still no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, all to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
splitbeak: (Default)
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.


splitbeak: (House)
Since I seem to be on such a proud New Yorker kick, here's one more. Then I'm done for the night. I promise.

Boss of the Year
The Hmmm, That Actually Might Work Trophy
(for good management ideas, as rare as they may be)

3rd Place: Not a Single Room



In 2003, the Boston Red Sox and their arch rivals, the New York Yankees, were trying to sign free agent pitcher Jose Contreras. The Sox management rented all the rooms in the hotel in which Contreras was staying so Yankee officials could not get close to him.

Despite the clever strategy, the Red Sox being the Red Sox and the Yanks being the Yankees, the New York team signed him anyway.




splitbeak: (House)
Because I'm really getting a kick outta this whole cleaning my room out thing.... Plus my sister made me a bunch of new icons that I'm eager to show off!

Newsday did a whole two page thing of "You Know You're From Long Island If..." and these are some of my favorites.


1. ... you say you live on Long Island instead of in Long Island.
2. ... your property taxes equal the cost of a new, midsized automobile.
3. ... you know that Glen Cove Road is in Mineola and Mineola Avenue is in Roslyn and Roslyn Road is in Westbury and Westbury Avenue is in Carle Place.
4. ... you know someone who has seen Billy Joel in Oyster Bay.
5. ... you went to Jahn's (ice cream parlor) on Hempstead Turnpike after a session at the "rolla" rink.
6. ... when directions to your house (or anywhere) begin with "Exit..."
7. ... you love Long Island for its proximity to Manhattan, but you rarely cross any bridges, so your E-Z Pass has a permanent $25 balance.
8. ... when worst comes to worst, there's always a diner open.
9. ... someone asks you, "How far is...," and you answer is time rather than distance.
10. ... you have the choice of dozens of beautiful beaches and you still own a swimming pool.
11. ... every rational voice inside you that talks about rent, phone bills, taxes, electricity, mortgages, politicians, health care, traffic or sun tells you to leave... and you still can't go.
12. ... you refer to Westchester County as Upstate.
13. ... there is no such thing as Downstate.
14. ... you know where "The End" is.
15. ... you know the exact point at which Queens turns into Nassau simply on intuition.
16. ... you're still waiting for a bridge to Connecticut.
17. ... you've tried to use your father's monthly ticket to ride the LIRR (Long Island Rail Road). And it worked.
18. ... you've never really evaluated the meaning of the name Hicksville.
19. ... you've never been to Times Square on New Year's Eve.
20. ... no, you don't want mustard on that burger!
21. ... you've never taken an MTA bus.
22. ... you don't see the big deal about the Hamptons.
23. ... you think if you're not from Long Island or New York City, you're not really from New York.
24. ... you don't go to Manhattan, you go to "The City."
25. ... you curse. a lot.
26. ... if your parents didn't, your grandparents lived in the city.
27. ... you never want to "change at Jamaica."
28. ... you can correctly pronounce Hauppauge (Hah-pah-g), Commack (Co-mack), Islip (Ice-slip), Massapequa (Mass-a-pee-kwa).
29. ... there are no real bagels or pizza anywhere else (except The City).







An Irish Blessing

May the road rise to meet you.

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall soft upon your fields.

And until we meet again, may God hold you in the hollow of his hand.

August 2011

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