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Jun. 25th, 2007
Found Some More Jokes
Jun. 25th, 2007 09:51 pmLittle Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well honey, God is both male and female."
This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses him, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this, his mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,
"Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this Little Johnny's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"
A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with Sidney. He called me a sissy."
"What did you do?" the mother asked.
"I hit him with my purse!"
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5000 Safe Driver Award. Congratualations. What do you think you're going to do with all that money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that driver's license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him-- he's a smartaleck when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a know from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
A Red Sox fan, a Braves fan, a Rockies fan, and a Yankees fan were all climbing a mountain one day. They were talking about how loyal they are to their teams all the way up the mountain. When they got to the top, the Rockies fan says, "This is for the Rockies!" and he jumps. Then the Braves fan says, "This is for the Braves!" and he jumps. Now only the Red Sox fan and the Yankees fan are standing on the top of the mountain. The Yankees fan decides that it's his turn, so he says, "This is for the Yankees!" and pushes the Red Sox fan off the mountain.
Are blondes smarter than lawyers? You be the judge.
A blonde and lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks id she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, very tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over toward the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists (as lawyers are wont to do) and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00 and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500.000"
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to the torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and Library of Congress, still no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, all to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well honey, God is both male and female."
This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses him, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this, his mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,
"Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this Little Johnny's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"
A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with Sidney. He called me a sissy."
"What did you do?" the mother asked.
"I hit him with my purse!"
A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5000 Safe Driver Award. Congratualations. What do you think you're going to do with all that money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that driver's license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him-- he's a smartaleck when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a know from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
A Red Sox fan, a Braves fan, a Rockies fan, and a Yankees fan were all climbing a mountain one day. They were talking about how loyal they are to their teams all the way up the mountain. When they got to the top, the Rockies fan says, "This is for the Rockies!" and he jumps. Then the Braves fan says, "This is for the Braves!" and he jumps. Now only the Red Sox fan and the Yankees fan are standing on the top of the mountain. The Yankees fan decides that it's his turn, so he says, "This is for the Yankees!" and pushes the Red Sox fan off the mountain.
Are blondes smarter than lawyers? You be the judge.
A blonde and lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks id she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, very tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over toward the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists (as lawyers are wont to do) and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00 and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500.000"
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to the torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and Library of Congress, still no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, all to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Adagio Formaggio: to play in a slow and cheesy manner.
AnDante: a musical composition that is infernally slow.
Angus Dei: to play with a divine, beefy tone.
A Patella: unaccompanied knee-slapping.
Appologgiatura: a composition, solo, or instrument you regret playing.
Approximatura: a series of notes played by a performer, not intended by the composer.
Approximento: a musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of the correct pitch.
Bar Line: what musicians form after a concert.
Concerto Grossissimo: a really bad performance.
Coral Symphony: (see Beethoven-Caribbean period).
Cornetti Trombosis Disastrous: entanglement of brass instruments that can occur when musicians exit hastily down the stage stairs, usually to the bar line.
Dill Piccolino: a wind instrument that plays only sour notes.
Fermantra: a note that is held over and over and over....
Fermoota: a rest of indefinite length and dubious value.
Fog Hornoso: a sound that is heard when the conductor's intentions are not clear.
Gaul Blatter: a french horn player.
Kvetchendo: gradually getting annoyingly louder.
Mallade: a romantic song that's pretty aweful.
Molto bolto: head straight for the ending.
Opera buffa: musical stage production by nudists.
Spritzicato: plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright, bubbly sound, usually accompanied by sparkling water with lemon (wine optional).
Tempo Tantrumo: when a young band refuses to keep time with the conductor.
Tincanabulation: the annoying or irritating sounds made by extremely cheap bells.
Vesuvioso: a gradual buildup to a fiery conclusion.
AnDante: a musical composition that is infernally slow.
Angus Dei: to play with a divine, beefy tone.
A Patella: unaccompanied knee-slapping.
Appologgiatura: a composition, solo, or instrument you regret playing.
Approximatura: a series of notes played by a performer, not intended by the composer.
Approximento: a musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of the correct pitch.
Bar Line: what musicians form after a concert.
Concerto Grossissimo: a really bad performance.
Coral Symphony: (see Beethoven-Caribbean period).
Cornetti Trombosis Disastrous: entanglement of brass instruments that can occur when musicians exit hastily down the stage stairs, usually to the bar line.
Dill Piccolino: a wind instrument that plays only sour notes.
Fermantra: a note that is held over and over and over....
Fermoota: a rest of indefinite length and dubious value.
Fog Hornoso: a sound that is heard when the conductor's intentions are not clear.
Gaul Blatter: a french horn player.
Kvetchendo: gradually getting annoyingly louder.
Mallade: a romantic song that's pretty aweful.
Molto bolto: head straight for the ending.
Opera buffa: musical stage production by nudists.
Spritzicato: plucking of a stringed instrument to produce a bright, bubbly sound, usually accompanied by sparkling water with lemon (wine optional).
Tempo Tantrumo: when a young band refuses to keep time with the conductor.
Tincanabulation: the annoying or irritating sounds made by extremely cheap bells.
Vesuvioso: a gradual buildup to a fiery conclusion.
Welcome to the Family!
Jun. 25th, 2007 10:26 pmWelcoming to the family Oatmeal II, aka...
JUNIOR!
This is a picture of him after he's taken his first shower. He's the only quaker I know who refuses to take a bath. He's only 10 weeks old and he's already almost the size of Oatmeal (who was 15 years old and therefore full grown)! I still miss Oatmeal terribly, and I'm sad the Pionus didn't work out, but Junior is definately cute.
This is a picture of him after he's taken his first shower. He's the only quaker I know who refuses to take a bath. He's only 10 weeks old and he's already almost the size of Oatmeal (who was 15 years old and therefore full grown)! I still miss Oatmeal terribly, and I'm sad the Pionus didn't work out, but Junior is definately cute.
Dumb Moments in the Lives of Famous People:
When the great French playwright Moliere died, the archbishop of Paris refused permission for him to be buried in consecrated ground. Moliere's sin? He never repented being an actor. King Louis XIV of France was a fan of Moliere's plays and determined to pay his respects. So the king ordered the gravediggers to get around the bishop's decision vertically. They dug Moliere's grave twelve feet deep, four feet below the bishop's consecrated ground.
Popped Culture:
The artist Maurice Utrillo was frequently arrested by the French police for being drunk in public. But Utrillo found a way to turn his problem to his advantage. He arranged with the Parisian gendarmes to keep paints, canvas, and brushes in the city jail so he could paint whenever he got locked away for the night.
Outsmarting the Opposition:
If you want to get out of jury duty, take a John Grisham novel with you to court. Lawyers don't want jurors who think they're smarter than the attorneys trying the case. That's what the judge is for. If you ever find yourself in front of the jury, throw yourself on the mercy of the court. Remember, these people who will decide your fate are the ones not smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Strange Customs (besides Juggling Geese):
For a thousand years, Scotland had a crazy method of treating madness. If someone was thought to be insane, he was dunked in the pool at Strathfillan, then tied up in ropes and left overnight in the St. Fillian Chapel. If the soaked captive freed himself by morning, he was considered cured of his madness. This dubious medical practice was discontinued in the nineteenth century when more enlightened doctors switched to electric shock treatments to bring the insane to their senses.
They Said It:
Cartoonist Doug Larson: "The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others."
No-Brainer:
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me," standup comic Rodney Dangerfield said. "He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet."
The Odd People:
"Some people believe that it's a good idea to face your fears," comic Ellen DeGeneres said. "I usually feel that it's much healthier to tie them up in a bag, drive them out of the country, chuck them out your window, then drive home as fast as you can."
Ask A Dumb Question:
When English prime minister Winston Churchill drew a large audience for one of his speeches, a friend asked, "You must be very pleased to be so popular?" "It's quite flattering," Churchill admitted. "But if instead of making a speech, I was to be hanged, the crowd would be twice as large." (I guess it depends on what country he was in.)
No-Brainer:
It was only Tom's second day on the job, but he showed up an hour late. "You should have been here at nine," the manager said. "Why?" Tom asked. "What happened then?" (Sadly, this is often the attitude of both the admin. and employees at my job.)
Ask A Dumb Question:
When playwright George S. Kaufman arrived at a Broadway theater for a rehersal of his new show, a stagehand stopped him at the door and asked if he was with the play. "Let's put it this way," Kaufman replied, "I'm not against it."
Clear Thinking on a Cloudy Day:
Words you can live by from writer Mark Twain: "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
No-Brainer:
If President of the United States is such an important job, why aren't there any job qualifications? No intelligence test, obviously. No demonstration of required skills. No psychological profile. Lawyers have to pass bar exams. Doctors must get a license. Secretaries have to take typing tests. Presidents? Nothing. Any American, rich or poor, can become president-- as long as he's got $200 million for the ad campaign.
No-Brainer:
Just once I'd like to see an Oscar winner step up to the podium and say, "I'd like to thank all the little people without whom I wouldn't have known how big I really am."
They Said It:
"They should consider giving Oscars for meetings," screenwriter William Goldman said about Hollywood movie studios. "Best Meeting of the Year, Best Supporting Meeting, Best Meeting Based on Material from Another Meeting."
The Business of Stupidity:
The district manager stopped off at the sales office and asked the supervisor, "Exactly how many people work in this office?" The supervisor looked around the room and said, "Almost half of them."
Dumb Ways to Die:
Turkish wrestling champion Yousouf Ishmaelo made a lot of money on an American tour in 1987. Suspicious of paper money, he turned his winnings into gold, which he wore in a belt when he booked passage on a ship back home. When his ship was rammed by another ship and started to sink, Ishmaelo jumped overboard. Swimming for his life, he refused to take off the gold belt, and the weight pulled him under.
When the great French playwright Moliere died, the archbishop of Paris refused permission for him to be buried in consecrated ground. Moliere's sin? He never repented being an actor. King Louis XIV of France was a fan of Moliere's plays and determined to pay his respects. So the king ordered the gravediggers to get around the bishop's decision vertically. They dug Moliere's grave twelve feet deep, four feet below the bishop's consecrated ground.
Popped Culture:
The artist Maurice Utrillo was frequently arrested by the French police for being drunk in public. But Utrillo found a way to turn his problem to his advantage. He arranged with the Parisian gendarmes to keep paints, canvas, and brushes in the city jail so he could paint whenever he got locked away for the night.
Outsmarting the Opposition:
If you want to get out of jury duty, take a John Grisham novel with you to court. Lawyers don't want jurors who think they're smarter than the attorneys trying the case. That's what the judge is for. If you ever find yourself in front of the jury, throw yourself on the mercy of the court. Remember, these people who will decide your fate are the ones not smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Strange Customs (besides Juggling Geese):
For a thousand years, Scotland had a crazy method of treating madness. If someone was thought to be insane, he was dunked in the pool at Strathfillan, then tied up in ropes and left overnight in the St. Fillian Chapel. If the soaked captive freed himself by morning, he was considered cured of his madness. This dubious medical practice was discontinued in the nineteenth century when more enlightened doctors switched to electric shock treatments to bring the insane to their senses.
They Said It:
Cartoonist Doug Larson: "The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others."
No-Brainer:
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me," standup comic Rodney Dangerfield said. "He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet."
The Odd People:
"Some people believe that it's a good idea to face your fears," comic Ellen DeGeneres said. "I usually feel that it's much healthier to tie them up in a bag, drive them out of the country, chuck them out your window, then drive home as fast as you can."
Ask A Dumb Question:
When English prime minister Winston Churchill drew a large audience for one of his speeches, a friend asked, "You must be very pleased to be so popular?" "It's quite flattering," Churchill admitted. "But if instead of making a speech, I was to be hanged, the crowd would be twice as large." (I guess it depends on what country he was in.)
No-Brainer:
It was only Tom's second day on the job, but he showed up an hour late. "You should have been here at nine," the manager said. "Why?" Tom asked. "What happened then?" (Sadly, this is often the attitude of both the admin. and employees at my job.)
Ask A Dumb Question:
When playwright George S. Kaufman arrived at a Broadway theater for a rehersal of his new show, a stagehand stopped him at the door and asked if he was with the play. "Let's put it this way," Kaufman replied, "I'm not against it."
Clear Thinking on a Cloudy Day:
Words you can live by from writer Mark Twain: "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
No-Brainer:
If President of the United States is such an important job, why aren't there any job qualifications? No intelligence test, obviously. No demonstration of required skills. No psychological profile. Lawyers have to pass bar exams. Doctors must get a license. Secretaries have to take typing tests. Presidents? Nothing. Any American, rich or poor, can become president-- as long as he's got $200 million for the ad campaign.
No-Brainer:
Just once I'd like to see an Oscar winner step up to the podium and say, "I'd like to thank all the little people without whom I wouldn't have known how big I really am."
They Said It:
"They should consider giving Oscars for meetings," screenwriter William Goldman said about Hollywood movie studios. "Best Meeting of the Year, Best Supporting Meeting, Best Meeting Based on Material from Another Meeting."
The Business of Stupidity:
The district manager stopped off at the sales office and asked the supervisor, "Exactly how many people work in this office?" The supervisor looked around the room and said, "Almost half of them."
Dumb Ways to Die:
Turkish wrestling champion Yousouf Ishmaelo made a lot of money on an American tour in 1987. Suspicious of paper money, he turned his winnings into gold, which he wore in a belt when he booked passage on a ship back home. When his ship was rammed by another ship and started to sink, Ishmaelo jumped overboard. Swimming for his life, he refused to take off the gold belt, and the weight pulled him under.
