Hey, You Never Know

There are way too many jokes lying around my room in the form of crumpled, fading paper. Just think, the more I post, the cleaner my room becomes. It's amazing! Welp, here's one more. Tonight's topic: CAPITALISM.


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
You herd multiples, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company now owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public pays your bill.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for one hundred years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have forty-two cows.
You count them again and learn you have twenty-four cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have three hundred people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
THe one on the left is kinda cute....


disclaimer: all comments are meant purely for entertainment. apologies if they offend anyone.

Once again I'm cleaning out my assortment of old papers from my room and found more jokes. Aren't you the happy recipients! This cleaning spree's refound topic of laughter is: GREAT TRUTHS

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
7. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
8. Puppies still have bad breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
9. Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.
10. School lunches stick to the wall.
11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
12. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
13. The best place to be when you're sad is grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing jell-o to a tree.
2. There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
5. The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.
6. Families are like fudge... mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
7. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
8. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
9. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
10. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
11. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
3. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: they would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
6. One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
7. I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
8. There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
9. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
10. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
11. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
12. Just whn I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
13. Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
14. Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they usually can be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.


TWO MAJOR FOOD GROUPS:

A. Anything you can put cheese on.
B. Everything else you can put chocolate on.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

Face it, there's only so much research you can do before you crack. Once you hit that point, you can either laugh or cry, or in this case make everybody else laugh.

( Evolutionary Relationships Among Cheeses by Benjamin M. Waggner )

Feb. 10:
Dumb Ways to Die

The Greek playwright Aeschylus was struck down by the oddest of freak deaths: killed by a falling turtle.
A tortoise had been plucked from the ground by an eagle and carried high into the sky. The eagle apparently mistook Aeschylus's bald head for a rock and dropped the turtle to smash it open upon the rock that was Aeschylus's cranium.



Feb. 11:
Clear Thinking on a Cloudy Day

Writer Kim Hubbard: "One good think about inflation is that the fellow who forgets his change nowadays doesn't lose half as much as he used to."

Top 13 Reasons to be a Pagan
Top 10 Reasons Why Witches Don't Worship Satan

( Purely For Fun, No Nasty Barbs )

Always Remember: Plunder First, Then Burn!